A 2001 story for Stuff. a British men’s magazine.
SEXOPEDIA
A Compendium of Carnal Knowledge
Are You Getting It? With Whom, What, and How?
Stuff’s Index of Enticingly Obscure Possibilities
For Having SEX WITH…
BEETHOVEN, sex with…
Beethoven got a lot of men hard. It happened in 1976, when Radley Metzger’s released his pioneering porn Masterpiece The Opening of Misty Beethoven. Praised by everyone from Andy Warhol to NY Times critics Vincent Canby, Metzger was the cinematic equivalent of Hugh Hefner, transforming sex from something sleazy and shameful to something sleazy and sophisticated. Beethoven was beautifully shot in upscale locations in New York, Paris, and Rome, and starred an international cast of jet setting beauties. The storyline is a smart adaption of George Bernard Shaw’s Pygmalion (My Fair Lady for those who sing) centering on a clumsy prostitute’s erotic schooling. Better still, it featured groundbreaking scenes of transvestites, strap-on defilements, and even horny senior citizens.
CARPENTER, sex with a…
Just because your sex is rough, doesn’t mean your dungeon furniture should be. “Kinky Joe” Brooklyn’s “King of Erotic Furniture” specializes in building bondage furniture with an emphasis on durability, design, and the kind of comfort even a masochist would love. His catalog includes more than dozen products like the Bend-Over Chair, the Genital Restraint Chair (with stylish glory hole), and sinfully ergonomic Oral Sex Chairs. Joe sometimes builds in space-saving hidden functions, like the Kinky Headboard that discretely conceals a stockade. www.kinkyjoe.com.
DOLPHINS, sex with…
Don’t believe any crystal-fondling New Agers who tell you dolphins are highly spiritual healers of autistic children. Marine biologists know them for what they are: aggressive, bisexual lotharios, especially unruly when trapped into a heavy-petting “Swim With the Dolphins” scenes. A 1990 AP story reported on a horny beast putting the moves on one of our women, then actually blocking her escape from the pool. Nevertheless, some plankton-brained souls yearn for the sort of unnatural acts as described on www.dolphinsex.org. Offering graphic anatomical tips on getting into porpoise pants, the author describes the bottlenose dolphin’s enviably prehensile foot-long wazoo, but then goes on to smash your secret dream of getting sodomized by Flipper, pointing out that dolphin cum can spurt in mighty 14-foot arcs with a force that “would cause serious internal injuries, resulting in peritonitis and possible death.”
GINGER, sex with …
Not Gilligan’s movie-star friend, but the thing that gets stir-fried with garlic. Playing with freshly cut ginger in a BDSM context is called figging, a practice borrowed from horse breeders who traditionally prepped their steeds for shows by slipping a stinging slice of freshly cut ginger up the poop chute. (It encouraged a perkier tail carriage, and was fun to boot). Naughty Victorians were the first to employ ginger similarly on tail-less humans.
EULENSPIEGEL, sex with an…
A folkloric German prankster, Till Eulenspiegel lent his name to the Eulenspiegel Society, a New York-based BDSM/fetish association is named. While legend really doesn’t detail Till’s sex life, his namesake pervs emulate his naughtiness. Particularly naughty was the Society’s 30th anniversary at New Jersey’s Garden State Exhibition and Convention Center last August. It featured, “the largest dungeon space in Northa America” — 50,000 square feet of kink, including “naked hot oil twister,” a “theater of pain,” suspension winches, and a bullpen for flicking 20′ bullwhips. Police raided the convention the first night. Though they made no arrests but took home plenty of video and photographs as “evidence.”
FEMALE EJACULATOR, sex with a…
There’s been a wave of credible evidence and enthusiasm for female ejaculation, so you’d best go with the feminine flow. It’s hotter than the G-spot, and it’s your duty to get educated if you want to get laid. Try Deborah Sundahl’s video “How to Female Ejaculate.” Deborah says, “Learning to ejaculate is like putting rollers in your hair just the right way – all it takes is practice and a light touch,” which may not help if you don’t roll your own, but just try finding that spongy Graefenberg spot (inside, first turn, upper front wall. Then rub like Aladin. Practice and patience could yield anything from a seepage to a towel-soaking dambuster.
KING GEORGE, sex with a…
King George IV, who took over the reigns from his luney-tune dad, shared a bit of pop’s madness but added some method to it. George IV sloshed down wine by the tub, tripped out on laudanum, gambled away the allowance Parliament extended, and slipped his royal scepter to enough women to fill a stadium — 7000 to be precise. Precision was one of his fetishes — along with hair, a lock of which he collected from each lass he diddled. At the time of his death, these keepsakes were discovered, each in its own envelope, labeled, categorized, and filed away library style. It was said to be enough hair to stuff a sofa, though it’s not clear if anyone got around to doing so.
MEDICAL SUPERVISION, sex with…
Trading what you normally toss out in a crumpled tissue for a C-note or two is simply good financial sense. Sure it’s a bit clinical, but banking your sperm is enviable work if you can get it. However, more than half don’t make the first cut — the “freeze test,” a trial run in which your tadpoles are pitted against the liquid nitrogen in which they’ll be stored. Then there’s the matter of acceptable sperm count and motility, screenings for a host of venereal diseases, a thoroughly probing physical, psychological profiling, and the need to furnish up to four generations of medical history. Endure that, commit to a 6-month program, and you’re ready to go. Just remember — hands off the equipment a full 3-5 days preceding your deposit. You’re only renting now.
MORMON, sex with a…
More than a century ago, they folded to the feds and abandoned the harems God told them they’d earned. Since then, there’s been a lot of frustration, especially with sexual self-service being zealously banned. Church elder Mark E. Petersen, went as far as to suggest that with some naughty monkey-spankers, it “may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame,” but that may’ve just been his scene. Then, there’s the veneration of underwear — the “garment” all Mormons must wear under their clothes. Sexier still — the slitted gowns, worn in the semi-nude Temple Endowments, a delicious ceremony during which every nook and cranny of the initiate’s body is ritually scrubbed and oiled by temple workers. Who needs caffeine, anyway?
MOTION, sex with no…
Even the most tireless sex machine sometimes grumbles about his rocket providing all the thrust. Lying on your back may sound fun till you talk to someone with spinal cord injury. A paralyzing accident does not neatly wipe away sexual desire; it only makes terribly difficult to relieve. Normal sensation is almost never present, though tactile stimulation can sometimes bring a reflex erection. Chances of raising Old Glory increase somewhat with longer periods (years) of recuperation and if injuries occured higher up the spine. There’s even a chance that the patient can ejaculate, but that might not entail any orgasm, sensation, or even knowledge of the event. Now get back to work!
MOUSE, sex with a…
While Richard Gere and friends might find love with those little cheese eating creatures, we were thinking of that thing with which you caress your mouse pad. You know — cybersex. Remember how you were going to “jack into” a brave new world of virtual pussy? At the forefront was Vivid Entertainment, a big Southern California porn mill titillating us for year with press releases about its slinky neoprene catsuit studded with three dozen units said to deliver modem-born massages. But it never hit the shelves. In fact, that future has come, gone, and left us with little more than rattling vibrators rigged to an Atari-style interface — toys like “RoboSuck” and others as exciting as the idea of rim job from the Tin Woodsman.
NO EFFORT, sex with…
The upside to being suicidally depressed? Spontaneous orgasms! They’re sometimes a side effect of drugs like Prozac or Zoloft. Yawning somehow triggers this response, but it can happen during the most mundane activities. The Journal of Biological Psychiatry reported on one depressed female whose shopping trip turned into a three-hour orgasm thanks to the drug. Other cases of spontaneous orgasm are more mysterious in nature, like that reported, by Mary Verdez, a 73-year-old Catholic bingo fan, who in 1996 sued her church after its electric bingo board fell on her, allegedly causing her to be tortured by unrelenting spontaneous orgasms along with a newfound lust for women.
NOSE, sex with your…
They go by many names (bromidrophiliacs, osmolagniacs, renifleurs) but all share a single passion; they — like Toucan Sam — follow their nose, in this case to the olfactory residue of bodily functions. Throughout history, the romance of sweat has found different expressions. Elizabethan women slept with apples in their pits to create fragrant keepsakes for their lovers, and Napoleon famously wrote to Josephine, begging her not to wash for three days, (thereby founding a patriotic French tradition).
PROBLEMS, sex with…
No longer called “impotence,” today 30 million Americans march under the banner of “erectile dysfunction.” Once thought to be the result of psychological factors like childhood ballet lessons, it’s now known that up to 90% of cases originate with hardware failure. Age alone doesn’t do it, however beginning at age 30 you can deduct approximately 2% testicular function per annum. Diabetes is the most common cause, followed by popping pills for hay fever, insomnia, hypertension, and the blues. Those cigarettes and cocktails that make you so sexy can also debone the meat. Visit a specialist, and he may touch your tool with his biothesiometer, a vibrating device that measures penile sensitivity. Or he may send you to a sleep lab where a domineering nurse will administer a Rigiscan to see how your nocturnal erections measure up.
ROCK STAR, sex with a…
It’s not always the wistful gypsy life in Almost Famous. Sometimes it’s like the grainy hotel room footage shot during on an early Go-Go’s tour with the gals half-heartedly inserting objects into the rectum of a stupor-drunk roadie. Sometimes it’s flamboyantly grotesque like Led Zeppelin’s smoked-out post-fishing-trip “seafood orgy” featuring a naked groupie writhing in a pile of fish entrails while drummer John “Bonzo” Bonham molests her with a freshly caught mud shark. And sometimes, it’s simply dirty, like the caught-on-tape antics of duckwalking pervert Chuck Berry showering a young lady with liquid gold and encouraging her to “smell my farts, baby!”
RUG, sex with a…
In the 1800s, they liked to do it wearing wigs — crotch wigs, or “merkins.” Bare pubes were fashionably common thanks to lice and the depilatory effects of mercury used to treat syphilis. So, just for a change of scenery (or to cover venereal sores) milady would slap on the fun fur. Sound far-fetched? Look it up, and don’t miss the raunchy old Oxford English Dictionary’s example sentence: “This put a strange Whim in his Head; which was, to get the hairy circle of her Merkin … This he dry’d well and comb’d out, and then return’d to the Cardinal, telling him, he had brought Saint Peter’s Beard.”
SECONDHAND VIRGIN, sex with a…
Whether they call themselves “reclaimed” “secondary” or “born again,” the ranks of the re-flowered are growing. There are “millions” out there, if you believe the prim natterings of Wendy Keller, author of The Cult of the Born-Again Virgin. It’s possible, since this presto-chango involves little more than a vow, and possibly a signature on a wallet card. These metaphorical patch jobs come in many flavors — from the Bible-thumping never-humping adherents of “True Love Waits” to the earth-mama empowerees of Donna Marie Williams’ Sensual Celibacy. Motivation ranges from a desire for a period of quite sexual introspection to disgust with men and their filthy desires.
SIZZLE, sex with…
If you’re looking for the hottest sex on the planet, try the Dallol Depression in Northeastern Ethiopia. There, more than 325 feet below sea level, you and your partner can savor 145° lovemaking amid the stinking yellow sulfur fields or jagged salt beds. Your chances are good that she’ll feel the earth move, as this little bit of hell is also a hotbed of seismic and volcanic activity.
SPOCK, sex with…
While space stud James Kirk’s ability to dock it in every port is better known, his “special friend” Spock also has a sex life. Trek lore teaches that he’s on a seven-year rutting cycle, which necessitates swimming upstream to spawn on Vulcan. All this is presented in the strangely sexless episode “Amok Time,” where the only climax is a bad-guy-orderered fight pitting Spock against Kirk. Taking a cue from this homo-erotically charged tussle, sex-starved trekkies started fleshing out the fantasy around 1976 with stories of their own. Known as “Slash,” this genre of Kirk/(slash) Spock erotica details the boys’ horny mindlinking romps, and lavishes attention on Spock’s green and “double ridged” love wand. Before you dismiss the homosexual plotlines as highly illogical understand that Slash is written mainly by horny females, and they certainly wouldn’t begrudge you a fantasy about Xena/Buffy muffdiving.
SURREALIST, sex with a…
The “Great Masturbator,” Salvador Dali’s idea of a date consisted of stripping his female visitors, frying a pair of eggs, and lovingly draping them over his gal’s shoulders. Pierre Molinier, however, outkinked his more famous Surrealist colleague. Molinier’s track record includes transvestitism, incest, and childhood necrophilia. Graphically summing up his head-over-heels lust for life, his business card featured a shot of him engaged in auto-fellatio, an act, which he claimed allowed him to subsist for 18 days on nothing but his private stock of gravy.
SURROGATE, sex with a…
Sex surrogates have been around since 1970 when Masters and Johnson first trained women to do their bidding. But it’s really not the futuristic free love in the name of science orgy you’d like to believe in. Surrogate therapy is gloomily focused on the intimacy skills of nervous virgins, premature ejaculators, and men with a variety of traumas under their belts. And your homework is always discussed with a third-party therapist. “Genital-genital contact may or may not be therapeutically indicated,” demurs the California-based International Professional Surrogates Association. What’s more, in selecting a surrogate, they insist it’s “often desirable to discourage meeting the client’s ideal.” Costs? Up to $2,500 plus travel expenses if you live outside California.
TINY BALLS, sex with…
Women with balls make better lovers. That’s because learning to grip Ben Wa balls inside the vagina can strengthen the PC muscles that intensify her orgasm. Ben’s balls, unlike yours, are made of steel. They come in sets of two: one hollow, one containing a wobbly blob of mercury. Called rin-no-tama in Japan where they were invented centuries ago, they were never intended to be used during sex but to spice up everyday activities. The hollow ball goes up against the cervix, keeping the wobbly one nudged against the G-spot. A slight motion in the body sends the mercury jiggling, accounting for the fondness Kyoto’s Geishas showed for river outings on gently rocking boats.
VALSAVA MANEUVER, sex with the…
Much as it sounds like an a bad Claude van Damme film, the Valsava Maneuver is actually a male sex exercise geared toward discouraging premature ejaculation or encouraging you to empty your bladder if that’s been a problem. Hold your breath, push your muscles like you’re watering a urinal, and think of overblown special effects.
ZERO G, sex with…
Mankind has indeed broken free of the prudish pull of gravity, though not yet in any out-of-this-world setting. Former NASA consultant G. Harry Stine says that a neutral buoyancy training tank at the Marshall Space Flight Center is where the deed was done, the real dirt being that it was a three-way in which a third party helped hold boinker and boinkee together. Astronomy professor David Theison, favors resolving the tendency to spin out of each other’s embrace with underpants built for two, while Massachusetts Sunday-school teacher Elaine Lerner holds a 1993 patent on a cosmic sex-harness she calls The Belt to Paradise.